Gibbs has betrayed Tony's trust, and now risks losing his Senior Field Agent. But when Tony is kidnapped, he realizes there is so much more at stake. After Tony's rescue, Gibbs wants desperately to help him recover from the trauma. But first, Tony needs to start talking.Characters:
Leroy Jethro Gibbs, Tony DiNozzo, Tim McGee, Abby Sciuto, Ducky Mallard, Jimmy Palmer, Ziva David, Leon Vance, OMC, OFCPairings:
Rape/non-con, violence,trauma, angst, slash, swearingSpoilers:
Parts of the end of season 6 and the beginning of season 7Disclaimer:
I don't own these characters, I just like to play with them.
It all started with boxes.
The morning had started off pleasantly enough. After a nice snuggle with Jethro, Tony was feeling calm, safe and settled. And the promise of getting to eat breakfast at the table - a privilege Tony knew he wasn't worthy of - filled him with a curious excitement as to what this new life might hold for him.
But as Jethro wheeled him out of his bedroom and into the living and dining area, he couldn't ignore the boxes, sitting in corners and stacked up on tables. The sight caused Tony's stomach to flip, as sadness and rage overwhelmed him, and images of another time and place once again assaulted him.Tony was standing in an orange room, looking in stunned devastation at a desk, unceremoniously littered with boxes. At another desk, Jethro looked up smugly at Tony, any smirk he might be wearing obscured by a hideous, walrus-like mustache.
Beside Tony, Tim and that Ziva woman beamed, their faces the picture of infuriating glee.
All of it - this entire scene - was at Tony's expense. He would never be worthy of their friendship or respect. And Jethro was going to make sure Tony knew just how insignificant he was.
"Tony? You with me?" Jethro asked, pulling Tony out of his trance.
Tony looked up at Jethro, suddenly feeling very differently towards the older man. Looking up into those cool blue eyes, Tony no longer saw love or warmth. Instead, he saw judgement. He saw resentment. He saw hatred and mocking. There was never truly any kindness in Jethro's actions. He simply wanted to keep Tony calm and docile. A good pet; one he could control.
And as this realization hit Tony, all of his fear and insecurity was extinguished, replaced by a fire of pure, burning rage.
Without a thought, Tony lifted his arm and weakly punched Jethro in the face. In Tony's current state, it was little more than a tap. But the action shocked Jethro enough to send him staggering back a step.
"Tony. What's gotten into you?" Jethro asked, staring at Tony with a look of hurt, and...anger? Tony couldn't be sure. He was beginning to feel sick to his stomach. Still angry and confused, but also scared. He had struck Jethro. Who knew what the consequences would be?
"Tony." Jethro clasped his hands, blue eyes staring into green, calmer than Tony expected, or thought he deserved. "Tony, I'm not mad. But I am worried. I just wish I knew what was wrong. I want to help."
Tony looked down, chin to his chest' whimpering. He didn't know what was wrong, either, or even if what he was "remembering" had actually happened. All he knew was that he was scared, angry, and more frustrated than he could remember feeling in a long time. Unsure what to believe, how to feel, or who to trust.
"B-b-box," Tony stuttered, almost inaudibly, the word seemingly leaving his mouth without permission.
Great! Now he'd really done it! Even if Jethro wasn't mad at Tony for hitting him, he certainly wouldn't be happy about Tony speaking - a right he had not yet earned.
Eyes focused on his lap, Tony could feel his chest become heavy, and his breathing more labored, in anticipation of whatever punishment Jethro might have in store for him.
Feeling Jethro's hand on his chin, Tony let out a squeaky whimper, shutting his eyes tightly.
"Hey. Don't be afraid, Tony. I'm not mad," Jethro said softly, his tone surprisingly kind, as he gently tapped under Tony's chin, lifting the younger man's face to meet his gaze. "As a matter of fact, I'm real proud of you."
Tony blinked up at Jethro, confused. Did Jethro really just say he was proud of Tony? The words didn't feel right. It was like Tony was imagining them, or they were meant for someone else.
"Don't look so surprised," Jethro laughed. "I really am proud of you. That's a big deal, saying that first word."
Tony looked down, giving Jethro a small, embarrassed smile.
"Tony, can say a few more words?" Jethro asked, lightly squeezing Tony's shoulder. "What's got you so upset?"
Hugging himself, Tony rocked from side to side, feeling entirely overwhelmed. He didn't know what he was feeling, exactly, let alone how to express it. And the connection between his brain and mouth felt somewhat severed, leaving him unsure exactly how to form any words that might come I him.
Jethro smiled patiently, rubbing Tony's back in soothing circles. Slowly, Tony's breathing steadied, and he was once again able to look up and face the older man. When he did, his gaze was met with cool blue eyes and a crooked grin.
"Take your time, Tony. I'm not going anywhere."
Tony still felt unsure. This could very well be a trick. Jethro still might punish him. But he sounded so proud and sincere, and Tony couldn't risk disappointing him. He would just have to take the chance, and hope it pleased Jethro.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Tony hoped that he would be able to voice his feelings without completely embarrassing himself.
"Box," he said again, the word feeling strange and foreign coming out of his mouth, as if someone else were speaking for him.
Tony then looked up into Jethro's expectant eyes, reaching a hand up and tapping his chest.
Tony slowly moved his hand up to Jethro's face, holding his hand over Jethro's upper lip.
Tony closed his eyes again, holding his head in his hands and rocking back and forth. Trying to decide what words should come next.
Finally looking up again, he pounded on his chest a few times.
"M-me...ss-s-sad." Tony whispered, a heartbreaking crack straining his voice.
Collapsing back into his wheelchair, Tony began sobbing softly; the effort of verbally expressing these new and confusing feelings proving too much for him.
Apart from Tony's cries, things were unsettlingly quiet. He was almost afraid to look up at Jethro, for fear of what he might see.
But to Tony's surprise, when he finally did look up at Jethro, he saw the man had gone pale, a look of guilt and regret haunting his features.
"You're starting to remember things." It was more a statement than a question.
Tony just whimpered.
Jethro sighed, stepping behind Tony's wheelchair and pushing him up to the kitchen table. He then pulled out a chair for himself, turning Tony so he was facing him before sitting down too.
"We've known each other a long time, Tony," Jethro began, clasping the younger man's hands. And I respect the hell out of you. I never told you, but..."
Tony watched with confused curiosity. Jethro seemed to be struggling to find the right words; his eyes practically begging Tony for forgiveness.
"I've been a real bastard," Jethro continued. "And I'm ashamed to say that, if you hadn't been kidnapped, things probably wouldn't be any different now. I'm sorry you had to go through the hell you did for me to realize how important you are to me.
"You might hate me for the things you're starting to remember. Hell, after awhile, I doubt you'll want anything to do with me. But I need you to understand that I'm willing to spend he rest if my life making up for the way I treated you. I'm gonna take good care of you, Tony. And I never want you to feel threatened by, or afraid of me."
Tony hummed, giving Jethro's bands a weak squeeze. As upset as he was, for some reason, he couldn't argue the sincerity in Jethro's words.
"And don't forget, you have friends who care about you, and will look out for you. Matter of fact, some of them will be over later, to help get you moved in.
Jethro tousled Tony's hair lightly, then continued to lovingly massage his scalp. "Now, I don't care what those bastards Mark and Kyle told you. I know they did a number on you, but I don't want you to believe a word that came out of their mouths. You're a special guy, Tony. Never forget that."
Tony leaned into the touch, Jethro's hand feeling strong and reassuring on his head. Whatever had happened in the past, it was clear now that Jethro loved him very much.
Jethro chuckled, standing up and kissing the top of Tony's. "That's my good boy."
Tony giggled, clapping his hands. Hey was a good boy! Jethro said so!
Panic briefly gripped Tony as Jethro walked away from him. But when he saw the older man open the cupboard and take out a couple of bowls, his fears were put to rest. Jethro was simply preparing breakfast. He was going to feed Tony. Jethro always took such good care of Tony.
Tony gasped, eyes widening slightly as the realization hit him; he thought of Jethro as his daddy. Warm, loving and protective of Tony. The gentle care he showed betraying any fear that remained from Tony's time as Mark and Kyle's pet.
"Hope you don't mind cereal. I didn't have a chance to get to the store before you came home," Jethro said apologetically, pouring some cornflakes into the bowls.
Tony didn't mind at all. He was just happy to be sharing a meal with Jethro.
Watching Jethro approach the table with their breakfast, Tony tried to reconcile the feelings of hurt brought on by his new memories with the feelings of complete adoration and trust he currently felt for Jethro.
Looking into those kind blue eyes, Tony made up his mind. The past was just that. Jethro shouldn't be judged for what had already happened and couldn't be changed. What mattered was the present; the man who had saved Tony, cared for him and had given him a new home...and a new life.
"You wanna try feeding yourself? I could teach you to use the spoon if you like," Jethro offered, holding up the utensil for him.
Tony whined, opening his mouth receptively. The effort of talking had already taken a lot out of him, and right now, he just wanted to be babied.
The brief flashes of his past that Tony had gotten confirmed one thing: he was in no hurry to go back to being the man that he was. And he was in no hurry to remember his old life.
As Jethro smiled with loving patience, spooning some cereal into Tony's waiting mouth, Tony decided that he was going to actively reject any more memories that might try to resurface. This was a fresh start for both of them.
Tony was happy in this new life, safe with a daddy who loved him. And he was content to remain Jethro's little boy.